Winter

I embark on each New Year by venturing to the desert to clear my mind. This year, I walked through slot canyons in awe of how the elements formed such a spectacular sight. Water had found its way through the cracks within the rock, forming a geological wonder with wind, time, and the desert sun. When the canyon narrowed and darkened I experienced intense anxiety, all I could think about was the movie 127 Hours, where the guy became trapped by a boulder in a desert canyon and survived by cutting off his stuck arm.  

I remained calm when the forty-foot-tall walls became so narrow that I had to shimmy sideways through them. The trail of people behind me made it impossible to turn back, and my fear increased knowing that the only way out was forward. Instead of focusing on the boulders lodged between the soft sandstone walls above me, I allowed my awe to notice the beauty of life all around. 

I made it safely out of the Slot Canyon, an experience that stayed with me for the rest of the year. The sunlight shined into the canyon, revealing its unique formations and vibrant colors. Looking back, I can see the importance of awareness and preparation. I was only a few weeks sober last winter, and I didn’t have a plan for my thawing emotions. I know now that not having a wellness plan for sobriety is as dangerous as walking into the desert unprepared.

Instead of being terrified of everything, I'm learning how to identify true harm, like rainclouds near a slot canyon. Ayurvedic philosophy identifies the building blocks of nature within us, forming our constitution, like a slot canyon, from the five elements (space, air, fire, water, and earth). These elements blend to form an individual’s constitution, called the Doshas: Kapha, Pitta, and Vata, and guide us to identify harm through recognizing imbalance.

The elements became imbalanced in me over the years spent relying on external forces for inner peace. When I became sober, reality hit like a flash flood. By early spring, the water had found its way through the cracks of my heart and formed slot canyons for my thawing emotions to flow through. Ayurveda and its sister science, yoga, taught me to shift my perspective and shimmy forward one step at a time when reality became too much to bear. 

The Doshas are believed to influence an individual’s energy within the mind, body, and spirit. They show us what prana, our life force, looks like in a balanced and imbalanced state. My conditioned responses to stress and trauma trained me to reach outside for balance and harmony, something I lacked last winter when alcohol was no longer within my reach. Only in spring did I become aware of my dosha imbalance, a revelation that arrived after a deep winter depression. 

I missed the warning signs of my Kapha dosha imbalance, and the rain clouds consumed me like a heavy blanket. It rained cold, dark inertia, but I didn’t notice that I was sinking in the mud. Studying the Doshas helped me to better understand my actions and the dark qualities of my mind. They helped guide me to the light while I sat on a waitlist for mental health services for half the year. It took more airy Vata energy and fiery Pitta to pull me from the darkness of last winter.

The Doshas have illuminated the canyons formed in my mind. Some were formed by natural erosion, while others are an illusion created by fear.  I've come to navigate these formations with the help of a trusted therapist and the Gunas, the Ayurvedic belief that three energies exist: Sattva, Tamas, and Rajas. The Gunas are nature’s fundamental qualities of all living and non-living things, sattva being harmony, rajas movement, and tamas the opposite of movement (inertia). 

Identifying these energies helps me understand nature within and explains human behavior, like last winter/early spring when I biked over a bee hive. I woke up in a fog and knew I needed physical exercise, so I gathered the kids and set out for a bike ride. I struggled to form thoughts, let alone reactions. I saw the swarm of bees before I biked over them, but my tamasic, dark mental/emotional state blocked me from comprehending the threat.

The bees were surprisingly forgiving to my kids, who were following closely behind me. They were only stung three times, but the bees were relentless in teaching me a lesson about the dangerous consequences of tamasic energy. I felt like I was running for my life while stuck in thick mud. As I move again into a new year and darker, colder days, I feel ease and better prepared for the winter ahead. 

Nature guides me along the healing path, gradually leading me to reality and prompting action and change. Entering each new moon this year has prepared me for winter and clarity, like journeying through the desert. The slot canyon felt like my journey into an MRI machine, with the boulders reminding me that I’m living with a tumor and twisted vein in my head, a damaged leg, and blood that likes to thicken and clot.

Like all the monthly menstrual cycles that prepared me for birth, life has been a process of labor and recovery. It’s figuring out how to tend to the earth within and around me when I’ve been so far removed. Knowing when to root, wait, and rise has taken a sober mind. I’ve found my way out of the mud to prepare for all that is coming. Healing has been there all along, I just lacked the clarity to recognize it.

Clarity comes from Sattva, the luminous and calm state of the mind from winter. Marc Halpern, the pioneer of Ayurveda in the West, describes Sattva as a tranquil lake that reflects the Divine. Halpern explains rajasic energy as the ripples from the rock thrown into the lake causing turbulence, and tamasic energy as the darkness caused by the water becoming murky. 

The harsh reality is that most of us never leave our lower regions, spending a lifetime causing ripples and swimming in mud. This constant state of survival leaves no room for growth or a calm, balanced mind that can see the way out of the muck and murk. Ayurveda believes this stagnant state feeds the root of disease and causes the ignorance that leads to suffering. Yoga teaches us how to reduce suffering through an eight-limbed path that leads to liberation and healing. Both seek balance, not perfection, and help recondition the mind and body to be sober.

As you move into the winter months, which hold dark tamasic energy, I encourage you to create a wellness plan with more yoga and balanced sattvic energy. Begin the new year by framing your mind like a tranquil lake. Move forward on your healing journey from a calm state of mind, working with the returning light of the winter solstice and the moon's phases to seek a balance of the Gunas. Explore your dosha to gain clarity and create a plan that reflects nature and the divine within. 

Find the cracks within and be like water as you heal, soften, and flow to the light. Stand in your truth even if it terrifies you, allowing it to wake you and transform you like the slot canyons of 2023. Follow along with my moon compass if you need guidance for your wellness plan and add more foods and activities that promote balance, healing, and wholeness. Meditate, practice self-love, and gather a loving, supportive community that reflects the divine. Peace and healing for the healing revolution and year ahead, one step and one phase at a time!